i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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