he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
