I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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