I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
