I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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