Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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