I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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