i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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