feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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