I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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