I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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