Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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