I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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