Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
