DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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