I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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