I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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