Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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