You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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