Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
