We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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