And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
