Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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