so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
