i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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