I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
