i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
