My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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