You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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