i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I will be naked everywhere
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
