she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
