Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
