She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
