Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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