I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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