I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
