Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
