the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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