can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
