this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
