quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize