My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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