if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
