we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
