I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
