So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
its not stalking. its research.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
