Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
