i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
