1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
