Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
