Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
