in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm too high and old for this...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
