just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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