Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
