I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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