I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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