I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
