Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
