I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
