I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
